Red Alert

Archive for the ‘humour’ Category

Very poor optics Mr Joyce

Posted by Grant Robertson on March 15th, 2010

It has not been the best week for Steven Joyce. Both his pronouncements on limiting access to student loans and reviewing the Super Gold card have seen him run an issue up the flagpole only to have to run it down again in very short order.

It seems that it all got the better of him on a visit to New Plymouth on Friday. The Taranaki Daily News has reported some very odd behaviour at the official opening of the Bell Block By-Pass. It sounds like a big local event with New Plymouth Mayor Peter Tennant in attendance along with former MP and Regional Councillor Roger Maxwell. The Daily News reports

But Mr Tennent was not long into his speech when Mr Joyce’s press secretary approached the minister and handed him a note. Mr Joyce then continually texted on his cellphone while Mr Tennent, then Mr Maxwell, spoke. And then, when it was the turn of New Zealand Transport Agency regional director Jenny Chetwynd to speak, Mr Joyce left his seat and walked behind a nearby bush so he could talk on his phone.

Apparently when the National cabinet are discussing their plans Mr Joyce is the first to raise the “optics” of a situation, ie how it will look to the public. I would say that texting at a public event is not good optics. Hiding behind a bush is also not good optics.

He was still behind the bush when all the speeches had finished, which forced organisers to postpone a ribbon-cutting ceremony for several minutes. When Mr Joyce wandered back out into the open, the remainder of the official opening continued without any further delays. After ceremonially cutting a ribbon and declaring the bypass open, he was then taken for a drive down the new section of highway in a big truck driven by New Plymouth MP Jonathan Young – and even then he was texting during most of his time in the cabin.

For the record, delaying a ribbon cutting ceremony because you are behind a bush talking on your cellphone is really poor optics, not to mention just plain discourteous. I am not sure about the optics of texting when Jonathan Young is driving “a big truck”, but it probably pays to keep half an eye on the road!

Now all of this took place on Friday. What was happening on Friday? Ah yes. That was just about the point that the review of the SuperGold card was turning into a rapidly descending flag. It would be fascinating to know who was on the other end of the phone, but I am guessing his first name was probably John.


No thanks to Wellywood

Posted by Trevor Mallard on March 12th, 2010

I thought the Mayor of Wellington was taking the piss – or thought it was 1 April when she proposed a plastic imitation on the Mirimar hill.

She has given jafas a great opportunity to poke sticks at us as shown by two columns in the Herald today :-

Jim Hopkins: If Wellywood’s the answer, I have questions

and Brian Rudman : Two cheers for Wellywood – they’re welcome to their wannabe sign

Kerry please tell us you were just trying to be funny.


Key differences – Kiwi-Asians thoughts on the PM

Posted by Raymond Huo on March 8th, 2010

While Prime Minister John Key has maintained his beaming smile since taking office, his standing within the Kiwi-Asian community has changed dramatically.

Below are a couple of cartoons from famous Auckland-based Chinese artist Mu Xun to illustrate the point.

Note: The captions are a direct translation (not verbatim) from the Chinese text.

Cartoon 1:

National: One; Labour: Nil. Published shortly after the 2008 general election, this cartoon shows the approachable, energetic and triumphant John Key becoming New Zealand’s Prime Minister with an array of promises he will fulfil.

Prime Minister Key laps up the rounds of applause from the majority of Kiwi’s who can’t wait for the new Government to deliver tax cuts, stop the brain-drain, curb the economic crisis and take a hard-line on Law and Order.

K[1]

Cartoon 2:

Step forward (or fast forward?) for the super rich and tiptoe for the middle class.

Published in early 2010.

This cartoon shows the same approachable, energetic and triumphant John Key, however the weight of his promises are becoming unbalanced.

Tax cuts for the top income earners and salary increases for the top CEO’s outweigh the gains made by lower income earners.

The rounds of applause now only echo out from the privileged few – who can afford giant diamond rings.

K#2


The ACT Party- all for one and…..

Posted by Grant Robertson on March 4th, 2010

I don’t particularly want to give further oxygen to the views of David Garrett which I find, as is often the case, extreme and appalling.  But I could not resist the comment from former ACT MP Deborah Coddington on Facebook this morning.  She was responding to the wonderful David Slack’s status update  ” The ACT MPs would work much better as a big brother house.”  Deborah said

The Act MPs would work much better if they found some humans to stand.

Continuing in the fine tradition of ACT individualism which saw almost the entire caucus contest the leadership when Richard Prebble resigned!

One thing I can say about Deborah when she was an MP  is that she did clearly espouse what I understood to be ACT principles- love them or hate them. Not so sure about their more recent recruits.


Cheese roll appreciation society has 1,392 members

Posted by Clare Curran on February 20th, 2010

I just discovered this on Facebook. Unashamed parochial moment of excitement. I know there are more of you out there.

Join. You’ll never look back.

And it’s spurred me to try to remember to organise cheese roll days in Parliament. Tell me you want them. (I know you do)


Dompost gets it

Posted by Trevor Mallard on February 16th, 2010

tom scott cartoon

For those of you who don’t see Dompost – this is pretty good.


Key f**ked – HoS

Posted by Trevor Mallard on February 14th, 2010

Tags:
Filed under: GST, humour, national

New Zealand Curriculum for sale?

Posted by Trevor Mallard on February 12th, 2010

to useee

At least someone’s got a sense of humour.


Brace yourself for the cow jokes

Posted by Grant Robertson on February 11th, 2010

Oh dear.  I think this article in the Guardian from yesterday (their time) is  going to haunt New Zealanders living overseas.

New Zealanders have long endured jokes about the extent to which they are outnumbered by sheep. But now Kiwis can expect more variety in the gags, with the country’s national statistical office announcing that the population has also been overtaken by that of dairy cattle. Statistics New Zealand’s agricultural production survey, released today, reported that the cows’ numbers soared to 5.8 million in 2009. New Zealand has a human population of 4.3 million.

I think every New Zealander travelling overseas has experienced sheep “humour”, this adds to the arsenal. My favourite quote in the article is

“In 2009, New Zealand had fewer than eight sheep per person,” explained agriculture statistics manager Gary Dunnet.

Only eight sheep each. I can hear the jokes now.


Doing less than a half decent job

Posted by Grant Robertson on February 9th, 2010

Jim Anderton has just drawn Parliament’s attention to this quote from John Key in October 2008.

National leader John Key said told a press conference this morning that if National is elected and does a “half decent job” at growing the economy, then increasing GST and the top tax rate will not be necessary

Now that is a serious level of self- reflection!

UPDATE: Its been pointed out that a hat tip is due to Jake Quinn over at Life and Politics was onto this earlier this afternoon.

Filed under: GST, Tax, economy, humour

Laws didn’t know – yeah right

Posted by Trevor Mallard on January 27th, 2010

Good detective work from Fairfax tracking comments praising Michael Laws back to Michael Laws’ email address.

One of the reasons us non techie older blokes shouldn’t ever try and disguise ourselves on-line.  We get caught.

If it was a staffer using the email without the bosses consent we would have heard from Michael about the sacking already.


Caption contest 2010/2

Posted by Trevor Mallard on January 23rd, 2010

Chris Hipkins


Caption contest

Posted by Trevor Mallard on January 22nd, 2010

Caption contest


Just Smile & Wave Boys

Posted by Lianne Dalziel on January 20th, 2010

A friend mentioned that her daughter was a fan of the Madagascar movies.  She said that Skipper, the penguin leader reminded her of the Prime Minister - I think it was the catch-phrase.  Or maybe that would be better expressed as a key phrase!


Cheese rolls… the ongoing story

Posted by Clare Curran on January 15th, 2010

I just got asked for the recipe for cheese rolls. I thought I’d google it (even though I know it).

And… discovered there’s a cheese roll appreciation society recently been established on facebook. 

I’m not suprised, judging by the cross-parliamentary reaction to my plate of (straight from the oven) cheese rolls at the parliamentary press gallery party in December.

The NZ Herald published the recipe for those who are interested:

Cheese rolls are made by filling a slice of bread with a mixture of cheese, onion and onion soup powder. Optional extras include reduced cream, mustard, parsley and chives. The bread is then folded and grilled, and the toasted cheese roll is buttered on the outside.

Mmmmm. I am seriously thinking about running a cheese rolls supply service in parliament. A fundraiser ( of course) but would need a cause supported across the House. Because it’s a universal thing.


Why don’t you all have a go then

Posted by Clare Curran on January 13th, 2010

I’m trying to learn how not to rise to the bait when certain people take the piss.

In that spirit, I guess I should extrapolate to my own city, good old Dunners, which is the centre of  a major piss-take right now.

The city has decided to ditch the “I am Dunedin” slogan (phew) and there’s a bit of a competition going on to find another. Hundreds of suggestions have been made on Twitter, which has it’s own #NewDunedinSlogan hashtag. Sounds like a good incentive to sign up to twitter ( go to www.twitter.com).

Here’s a few of them.  Of course, most are either weather, or student-related. I feel kind of miffed and proud at the same time. Because, as you know (reference to cheese rolls etc) there’s something special about Dunedin.

Dunedin, where that missing sock ends up
Dunedin: if Keith Richards called Invercargill the arsehole of the world, we must be its fun bits
Sydney is hot. Dunedin is cool
We burn the sofa at both ends
Dunedin – Kids are actually safe in our chocolate factory
“Been there Dunners that”
Dunedin – where you used to be
Down there
Dunedin: we’ve got a castle
Dunedin – crapping all over your summer since 1848
We keep your beers cold.
Dunedin: gateway to Mosgiel
Dunedin: At least it’s not Palmerston North (sorry Iain I didn’t make it up)
Dunedin: horizontal rain is a good thing
Dunedin: Keeping it real (cold)
Dunedin: It’s not Auckland
got nuthin but love for Dunedin … honest”


Don’t You Know Who I Am?

Posted by Lianne Dalziel on January 3rd, 2010

I had planned to write the odd book review on Red Alert as I planned to use this break to read all the books I have bought at airport bookshops over the past year.

Disappointingly I have only read two books since Christmas but I enjoyed them both.  I started with a total no-brainer – a few years ago Piers Morgan wrote a book called The Insider: The Private Diaires of a Scandalous Decade, which is what encouraged me to buy Don’t You Know Who I Am? Insider Diaries of Fame, Power and Naked Ambition.

Piers Morgan is a clever writer – he knows how to string together a good yarn and and despite his loathing of politicians, (which seems to me comes from a sense of having been personally let down by Tony Blair over the decision to go into Iraq), this politician loves reading his stuff.

He understands all to well the superficiality of ‘celebrity status’ and yet in a self-deprecating manner describes how he gets to splash around in the depths of that particular bird-bath.

There is something quite human though underneath the bravado and I get the feeling that there is more to him than meets the eye as I scan the words on the page.

But let’s not go there.  Let me instead quote my favourite paragraph from the book.  This will appeal to all of you who enter quiz evenings where as Morgan says ‘they all pretend it’s not competitive, but of course it is.  Everybody there wants to win’.

On this occasion Morgan’s team has managed the ring-in of all times – the 2004 winner of Mastermind, Shaun Wallace – they cream it.

And as Morgan accepts the trophy he boasts ” I stand here rather as Douglas Jardine stood in Australia at the start of the 1932/3 bodyline series. As the bouncers started, one member of the crowd shouted, ‘you won’t win many friends playing like that Jardine,” to which the great man turned with a bemused look on his face and said haughtily, “my dear fellow, I haven’t come here to win friends.  I’ve come to win the Ashes.”


The next decade… how to pronounce it?

Posted by Clare Curran on December 31st, 2009

I just did a google search on news results for pronouncing 2010 twenty ten or two thousand and ten. There were 2,744 results and rising.

I don’t know whether a consensus has already been reached. I just listened to the radio news in the car on the way home and heard both versions in the same bulletin; one from a journalist, and another from a person being interviewed.

I think we’re confused. I personally lean towards twenty ten, but have been saying two thousand and ten and two thousand and eleven for a while.

A decision will be reached, but confusion may reign for a while. What do you think?

We hope to have the ability to do polls on Red Alert in 2010 (however it’s pronounced). For now you’ll have to vote through your comments.

Happy New Year to you all.

Update: Radio NZ, the BBC and a bunch of other media have decided on twenty ten.


New Year reflections

Posted by Darien Fenton on December 31st, 2009

Is New Year’s Eve time to be serious?  I suspect most people think it’s time to celebrate, and that’s what I am about to do.

So, I’ve resisted the urge to come up with a New Year’s “best (or worst) of” list on this blog, but there are plenty around.  Unfortunately, I’ve had to turn to other countries and the Huffington Post takes the prize for the best politcal ones I’ve seen so far.  But if you have any, please share (or make up your own)  :

Wall Street’s Ten biggest lies of 2009

The dumbest quotes of the 2000’s

The 12 weirdest right wing conspiracies of 2009

And many more. Go have a good laugh if you aren’t already out celebrating New Year’s Eve – and if you are, have a good laugh anyway.

See you in 2010.

Filed under: humour

The member for Tauranga should take care

Posted by Trevor Mallard on December 24th, 2009

Ever since Simon Bridges expressed his admiration (?) for Christine Rankin he has been known round the buildings as cougar bait. Here is a warning for him.  Thanks to Air NZ and the various people who have drawn it to my attention.