It’s snowing here in Christchurch, so doorknocking cancelled. Time to catch up on the emails. Clearing spam is a pain. Endless Nigerian (and other) deposits/loans; Viagra ads; enough lottery wins to pay our national debt.

My brother Paul who lives in London (aka Fred Bear) got a spam help letter recently from “John” and decided to have a bit of fun…

From: JohnXXX287@yahoo.co.uk Sent: 21 July 2011 06:06

To: undisclosed recipients: Subject: Help!!!

I’m sorry for this odd request because it might get to you too urgent but it’s because of the situation of things right now, I’m stuck in Madrid, Spain right now, I came down here on vacation with family, we were robbed, the situation seems worse as bags, cash, cards and my mobile phone was stolen at GUN POINT, it’s such a crazy experience for me, I need help flying back home, the authorities are not being 100% supportive but the good thing is i still have my passport but don’t have enough money to get my flight ticket back home, please i need you to loan me some money, will refund you as soon as I’m back home, I give you my word. John

From: VF V Subject: RE: Help!!!

To: “JohnXXX287@yahoo.co.uk Date: Thursday, July 21, 2011, 3:35 AM

John, How terrible! How much do you need and how do I get it to you?

Is Nonsensica OK? Fred

From: JohnXXX287@yahoo.co.uk Sent: 21 July 2011 08:41

To: VF V Subject: RE: Help!!!

Please I need you to loan me 1000 euros, I will pay you back right as soon as I’m back home, I promise.

John

From: VF V Subject: RE: Help!!!

To: JohnXXX287@yahoo.co.uk Date: Thursday, July 21, 2011, 3:46 AM

John, Are you OK? The email doesn’t seem like you.

I asked how my sister was and you said nothing. You haven’t even said where you are staying so how can I get the money to you? Your mobile isn’t working. How can I ring you? Fred

From: JohnXXX287@yahoo.co.uk Sent: 21 July 2011 08:51

To: VF V Subject: RE: Help!!!

I’m in an extra tensed situation, she’s really down because of the situation, I can say less about our health state for now until we are back home, I’m writing from a public library, we dont have access to get on the phone but I want you to know that the most important thing right now is to get back home first, the espanyol police are not being of help, we are asking if they can help send you an email to testify to the situation of things. You can wire the money via Western Union, just go to any Western Union outlet that is close to you, send the money to my name

Name: John XXX City: Madrid Country: Spain

Kindly email me the confirmation number as soon as you are done, I will be happy to pay you back right as soon as I’m back home. I promise. John

From: VF V Subject: RE: Help!!!

To: JohnXXX287@yahoo.co.uk Date: Thursday, July 21, 2011, 4:17 AM

Ok John, I am on my way to the shop in Cockandbull Lane that does Western Union because I’m having trouble doing it online. Money should be sent within thirty minutes. Please confirm when you have it. Give my love to Nonsensica. Fred

From: JohnXXX287@yahoo.co.uk Sent: 21 July 2011 09:21

To: VF V Subject: RE: Help!!!

I will wait for your email with transfer details so I can pick it up here, you can email me the receipt once money is sent. John

From: VF V Subject: RE: Help!!!

To: JohnXXX287@yahoo.co.uk Date: Thursday, July 21, 2011, 5:27 AM

John, money now transferred. You will need to show your passport.

Will be going to the Wild Goose Chase shortly with the Rudd-Herrings but Kidder has given me his Poppycock so you can still email or call using his number.

Cozen, Bunco and Kidder send their love to Nonsensica and look forward to seeing you soon. Fred

From: JohnXXX287@yahoo.co.uk Sent: 21 July 2011 10:30

To: VF V Subject: RE: Help!!!

Have been waiting for your email, I need the confirmation number to pick up funds here, Please email the confirmation number for the transfer, I will extend all the love to Nonsensica.

Thank you so much. John

From: VF V Subject: RE: Help!!!

To: JohnXXX287@yahoo.co.uk Date: Thursday, July 21, 2011, 5:56 AM

Sorry, forgot to send the number. It is MTCN 639 140 2654.

Mary Chase and Phool Serrand just rang. They said if you need any more money they could both send 500 euros. Fred Bear

From: JohnXXX287@yahoo.co.uk Sent: 21 July 2011 11:13

To: VF V Subject: RE: Help!!!

There is a problem with the MTCN, Please I need you to check the number again and give it to me correctly, check the receipt and email me the correct MTCN. John

From: VF V Subject: RE: Help!!!

To: JohnXXX287@yahoo.co.uk Date: Thursday, July 21, 2011, 7:13 AM

Sorry!!! It is MTCN 639 740 2654. This must be the last thing you needed with all the gulling you have been through.

Fred

Sent from my Poppycock

From: JohnXXX287@yahoo.co.uk Sent: 21 July 2011 12:29

To: VF V Subject: RE: Help!!!

There is problem somewhere, the WU agent said it’s better if you scan the receipt of the transfer, then I can take it there, they will fix it and I can have access to the money.

John

From: VF V Subject: RE: Help!!!

To: JohnXXX287@yahoo.co.uk Date: Thursday, July 21, 2011, 7:46 AM

Hi John, I think it may be the keyboard on the Poppycock which I’m not used to, especially for digits.

I’m at the Wild Goose Chase and don’t have the receipt and no scanner at home because Kidder has taken it with him to Misle Ading

It will be easier if I get Mary Chase and Phool Serrand to send the money. I’ll ring them now. They’re on their way to Obbsfuskate and should be able to find a Western Union outlet in the next twenty minutes.

You’re having a hell of day. So sorry.

Fred

Sent from my Poppycock

From: JohnXXX287@yahoo.co.uk Sent: 21 July 2011 12:55

To: VF V Subject: RE: Help!!!

Okay, I will be waiting for your email.

John

From: VF V Subject: RE: Help!!!

To: JohnXXX287@yahoo.co.uk Date: Thursday, July 21, 2011, 8:10 AM

John, I can’t get through to Mary Chase and Phool Serrand. I think they must have turned their mobiles off when they went into Our Lady of The Perpetual Subterfuge!

All is not lost. The landlord of the Wild Goose says he will send the money from the shop across the road if you will repay him by the end of next week with 15% interest. But at least you will have your money without further delay.

Do you agree?

Fred

Sent from my Poppycock

From: JohnXXX287@yahoo.co.uk Sent: 21 July 2011 13:15

To: VF V Subject: RE: Help!!!

Okay.

John

From: VF V Subject: RE: Help!!!

To: JohnXXX287@yahoo.co.uk Date: Thursday, July 21, 2011, 8:37 AM

John, Spanish libraries seem very generous with their Internet facilities compared to the London Borough of Numpty.

I made the mistake of telling Conn, the landlord, that I didn’t even know you and Nonsensica had gone to Spain. Now he wants to know how I know it’s you and not someone using your email.

He’s wants you to email something only you would know about yourself. I suggested the name and breed of your last dog, not the current one, and he’s happy with that.

Fred

This entry was posted on Sunday, July 24th, 2011 at 5:09 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.